As you know, we believe in parenting kids based on their personalities. If you want to know more, check out our recent blog about persoanlity-based parenting. For us, birthdays and Christmas are a way to show we love and appreciate the unique person they are. But that is complicated, isn’t it?
Since Christmas is coming close, I will focus there for now. We’ve all probably had a time when we bought an expensive gift for a kid only to watch them enjoy playing with the box more than the gift. Well, expecting kid to love a gift presumes a child feels loved by gifts.
GIVING BASED ON LANGUAGE
Consider the classic book The Five Love Languages. Gary Chapman supported his claim that although we receive love all kinds of ways, we probably have a primary and secondary way that really makes us feel love in a special way. Consider which one of these makes our child feel happy and loved:
- Physical Touch– hugs, kisses, cuddles. Consider a Christmas gift of a book you can read together or a movie to snuggle up for. Put your arm around, give a high-five, and sit near. It is not as much the gift as the closeness the gift could bring.
- Words of Affirmation– write a card or note that says how you feel. Stitch it into a pillow. Put words up on their wall. A poster with affirmation of your child as precious and dearly loved. When you give an art set, attach a note of how talented they are at art, or how you love watching them be creative. They relish your words of encouragement and validations.
- Quality Time– in this case, a coupon for a shared movie night or a special Starbucks date might be just the ticket. This child wants time with you- only you- and time to make eye contact, share secrets and feel bonded. If you give a gift of a board game, write a note that you would love to play with them.
- Acts of Service– this kiddo feels most loved when people do things for them. Offer to surprise them by cleaning part of their room or taking their dishes night as your own chore. Be silly and play “assistant” by serving them like in a restaurant or doing their nails or hair (for girls).If you give a gift of something to be put together or hung up, do so cheerfully and willingly because they will see your sacrifice to serve them. Also, they love doing things for others; asking if they want to help surprise your spouse by cleaning out the car might bring them a ton of joy.
- Gifts– Aha! The easy one. This child feels incredibly loved by a big, shiny gift like they saw in the store. They also love the thoughtfulness of a well-crafted gift that shows care of them. When you play secret spy and listen to what they talk about, you earn extra points for knowing what gift they really, really want. But you get points for almost anything you buy and put in their hands.
WHAT WE DO
So as we prepare for Christmas, we are thinking about our kids’ personalities. My mom is getting everyone pajamas, but some are nightgowns and some shorts and some pants. We are getting each kid a Disney shirt, but they will each be their own color, size and design. I am getting each kid a stocking stuffer, but one is a book and another earrings and yet another, minecraft figurines. Also, because we celebrate Jesus’ birthday at Christmastime, we are quick to think how we can give to others. We take the focus off ourselves and onto Him and loving others. In that way, we are less about gifts from the start.
WHAT I DON’T DO
I don’t try to give my kids all the same things. I don’t add it up to make sure we spend the same amount. They don’t receive the same number of gifts. The things is, they are each unique and special, and what makes them feel loved this Christmas might be unique too.
MODELING FOR YOUR KIDS
And as a bonus, we try to teach our kids to love people by personality. We want them to be aware of others and what makes them feel treasured. If you are on our list, watch out! Someone is studying you…
REFERENCES
You might also enjoy The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. Also, as a disclaimer I would like to be clear that you can spend very little on a child and still have a child who feels love. Don’t go into debt for a child this Christmas.
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