John Gottman, one of my favorite authorities on marriage, explained in a study that “when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” Dr. Gottman calls this power sharing concept “accepting influence” and it is not a suggestion to just blindly go along with whatever your spouse says. Instead what Dr. Gottman suggests is that a husband and wife be willing to accept input from one another rather than having a dismissive attitude towards each other’s input..
Happy Wife, Happy Life?
This also goes against the simple “happy wife, happy life” motto that is so commonly quoted today. More often than not when I hear that motto it is said with a little resentment behind the statement. This is because there is one spouse that is not having input into decisions being made. The same is true when a husband won’t listen to what his wife says when making decisions. Instead of these methods that leave one partner out of the decision making process, it is better when a husband and wife work together and talk through decisions. This leads to a closer bond between them.
What’s the Secret?
Being able to accept influence is more of an attitude than it is a set of defined skills but here are a few tips that can help.
- Solicit input – Ask your spouse for their thoughts on a decision or plan you are making. This is also a good reminder to them that they are an important part of your life and you value their opinion.
- Be open – After you solicit their input, be open to the ideas. Many times we get locked into our plan and are then completely thrown off track when an alternative plan is suggested. Take a deep breath and remember that your spouse isn’t saying you’re wrong, they are just suggesting an alternative.
- Keep your priorities straight – Remember the reason this discussion started was to come up with a decision or plan not to prove your spouse wrong or win a fight. This is about compromise, what can you do that will make you both happy?
Learn from My Mistake
For the past twenty plus years, my job has required me to be able to make quick decisions many times without all the information I need. Unfortunately, I sometimes apply this skill at home when I don’t need to. What this means is my wife will make a suggestion, and many times before she’s even really finished I say, “ok, let’s do that” which usually leads to a response of, “you don’t have to change the plan just because I had a different idea.” What I’ve learned from this even though I don’t always get it right is that I need to be able to slow down and simply hear her out. This lets her know that I’m interested in what she has to say without feeling like I’m making a snap decision just to please her.
So what are you’re thoughts on this? Is this something you are already good at, a skill you need to work on, or something you think is ridiculous? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I promise to respond to any comments or questions.
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