I find myself frequently limited in my parenting by my own bad choices. I have some strong discernment about what my kids should and should not do- perhaps most of us do- but when it comes to implementing these guidelines, I can render myself useless. And mostly it is because I am so darn human.
I am finding that I let my kids off the hook too much because I can relate. I know how it feels to give in and need some grace and space. Now these topics could cover a lot of ground, but let me give a couple examples. I let my kids drink soda when I know how bad it is for them, because I know that craving. I let my kids watch too much TV, because I know what it is to be so tired you just want to veg out. I let my kids stay up late because they are not tired, talk back when they’re cranky, whine when they don’t get their way, leave a mess in the kitchen when they are in a hurry, and so much more. Sometimes, I have even given up on correcting them… because I know what it is to be me. I give in all the time. I have standards that I lower and rules that I break. All. The. Time. And somewhere deep inside I am not sure if I can ask them to do it if I don’t even do it myself.
Do I need to model it to expect it? Isn’t it ok to not give them soda but have soda myself? Isn’t it ok to tell them it’s time for bed or no iPad in bed, but then stay up late or fall asleep to a Netflix binge session? Let’s step it up- is it ok to tell them not to lie but then lie to others? Is it ok to tell them not to drink and drive but then justify “it was only 2 drinks” before you get in the car? There is always benefit to following our own values and guidelines. We need to live like we believe to be authentic to ourselves and the kids who are watching us.
But let’s flip it. Sometimes it’s because I’m the mommy. I can eat a 3rd cookie or leave my dishes in the living room or leave the mess for tomorrow because I’m the mommy. If you live too much on this side, thinking you don’t have to do anything you tell kids to do because you are an ADULT and you make the MONEY and you are the PARENT and you can do what you want, I have a word for you (and me). Why don’t you expect yourself to rise up? How will they learn if you don’t model it? What is the cost of hypocritical expectations and rules? I have first hand seen the cost is incredibly high.
Honestly- I am tired of backing down. I am tired of silencing myself because I know I don’t do it. I give in too easily, and let them order soda or stay up late or watch too much ipad or leave the mess for tomorrow…(etc ad nauseum) because I am not able to do the right thing and model for them. There are many nuances to this issue, and much conviction and embarrassment coming from sharing it so openly here. So here I come to encourage myself… with why we tell our kids to do things—the things we are earnestly attempting to do ourselves. Because it is right. Let’s come back to WHY we live the way we do. Our humanness. The values we hold. Here are 3 quick steps to walk through:
- We do this because it is RIGHT. Because it is the way God says so in the Bible. Because it is the way society operates. Because manners are kind. Don’t be afraid to say “because it is the right thing to do.” Because we said so has worn out it’s welcome; remember to tell your kids what is right. But wait a second! Does that mean I am going to acknowledge that I am doing it wrong?? Yep. See #2.
- We are all human. I acknowledge that I mess this up and sometimes don’t live as I intend. There are also exceptions to the rule and life is complicated. I don’t ask you to do things because I do… I ask you to do them because they are the right thing. What does this look like? In my life it means apologizing when I am wrong. It means admitting when I get distracted. It means acknowledging in front of my family that “I do the things I don’t want to do, and the things I do want to do, I don’t do!” It means being honest that I am human. If there is only one thing my kids learn from me, let it be that I love God with all my heart. If there are two things, let it be that I am one majorly imperfect person. There is such sweet benefit from tearing down walls of facade.
- We know what we value and we walk in that way. And this is where some of us have really gotten off track. We are so busy running that we forgot to assess what we value. If you value health (and I mean in behavior not in aspiring theoretical value), then you will perhaps feed your family different foods, limit poor choices, provide essential exercise, etc. If you value recycling then you will do it. If you value kindness to neighbors, then go do it. Each person, couple, and family is unique and what they value plays out uniquely to them. What do you value? We guide people to reflect on this and come up with their mission statement, if you will, so it can guide their actions. It’s a precious process and invaluable to you.
“Because I told you so” is getting old. It’s worn out its welcome in my home. I am ready to come back to the truth—that we do what is right, acknowledge to each other we are human, and live life according to our values.
Do you live this out? Are you more of a grace person or a stickler for the rules? Where do you get stuck? Where do you shine? Comment here and come to Family Greenhouse for coaching if you want some help overcoming obstacles. Just don’t do it because I said so. 
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