It takes a lot of energy for me to not to try to jump in and fix things and this can be a issue for my marriage if I don’t keep that urge in check. I don’t think this is purely a guy issue but I do think it’s harder for us than many ladies. I think some of this may come from the way we are raised. I know growing up, my dad and I were the fixers in the house. Fence looses a couple of pickets, we fixed it… leaking faucet, yep we fixed it… sink is stopped up, you guessed it, we fixed it. So fast forward a couple of decades and yes, I like fixing things in my house too. Here’s the issue though, sometimes when my wife brings up a problem to me, she’s not asking me to fix it. Instead she wants me to listen to, support, and encourage her but not jump in with my solution.
When I quickly jump in with my “solution” it creates a few problems.
- Sometimes I’m wrong about what the problem is.
- It can appear as though I am suggesting I’m smarter (trust me, this is not the case).
- My suggestions are not as likely to stick as solutions she comes up with on her own.
But it so obvious…
At this point someone is probably reading this thinking, “but the solution is so obvious, why wouldn’t I mention it?” Some of the reasons are laid out above. The first reason is really simple. While it seems like the solution is simple, you may have the solution to the wrong problem. By jumping into advice mode, you are making a lot of assumptions about what the problem is. The second is doing something other than what you were asked to do. This isn’t always helpful. Now the person on the receiving end of the advice feels like they have to either justify why they hadn’t thought of that or explain why they don’t like or agree with your idea. Finally, many times your advice isn’t what is needed. What your spouse is really looking for is a safe place to vent and some understanding.
What to do
Instead of jumping in and giving advice, try these steps:
- Take some time and listen. Many times people simply want to be heard. They understand their problem and its solution. They simply need a safe place to vent their frustrations.
- Ask questions. This helps a couple in a number of ways. First, if you end up in an advice giving mode, you’ll have a fuller understanding of what the actual issue is. Second, questions will help the other person get a fuller understanding of their own issue. But these questions shouldn’t be accusations (Avoid Why questions). Instead ask open ended questions that help the person explore the circumstances.
- Ask permission. Before you jump in to give advice ask if the person actually wants it. This shouldn’t be your first question, this should come after you’ve given the person time to talk about the issue and the feelings surrounding it.
Oh, and by the way, these same tactics work great with kids too and yes, that’s even harder for me to do this with my kids. So I’d love to hear… Am I the only problem that has a tendency to jump in and do this? As always I promise to respond to your comments or questions.
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