Marriage and Time
I was reading a blog recently and there was a comment that struck me. The writer, who was divorced, was talking about marriage and the statement that marriage takes work. The writer’s contention in short was, if it takes that much work to make a marriage good it’s not worth the effort. I guess for some that might be true but at the same time, short of the free gift of God’s grace, I cannot think of anything else that I care about in my life that does not require some type of work on my part. Even God’s grace, while requiring no work from me, is lived to it’s fullest when I put some effort into maintaining my relationship with God. Relationships with friends require work. If no one makes an effort to maintain closeness with their friends, eventually that relationship will lose its vigor. It may be easy to pick right back up where you left off when you see your friend again but until someone makes that effort to contact one another, there is little left of the relationship. The same can be said of other things I enjoy in my life. For example, about five years ago I decided I wanted to learn to play the guitar. I practiced daily and was learning at a steady pace. Then I decided I wanted to obtain my Master’s Degree, so the guitar practice had to take second place to reading and writing papers. Now when I pick up my guitar I struggle to do some things that I remember were once easy for me. While I can relearn the skill, it is my lack of effort that has caused me to lose a skill that I enjoyed.
The Magic Six Hours
John Gottman, a world renowned marriage expert, explains that when he studied marriages that worked well, he found that the couples who devoted an average of six hours of additional time to their marriage a week had a stronger and more vital marriage. I have watched the reaction of on many people when I mention this. Most for the time, they seem shocked and take the stance of “where am I going to find an additional six hours in the week?” My short answer to that is turn off the TV or put your iPhone/iPad down for a few minutes a day and you’ll be there in no time at all. For those of you, who like me, are not mathematically inclined, we are talking about less than one hour a day (51 minutes to be exact). To make things even easier Dr. Gottman breaks this down into six steps.
- Partings – 2 minutes a day x 5 working days. Take a few minutes to let your partner know what you have going on that day.
- Reunions – 20 minutes a day x 5 working days. Since you both know what you had planned for the day, catch up and let each other know how it went. This is also a time to help your partner decompress if they’ve had a rough day.
- Admiration and Appreciation – 5 times a day for 1 minute x 7 days. Take time to show your partner some appreciation. Let them know you love them and tell them how you feel about them. Don’t let this intimidate you. I’m not talking about giving the Gettysburg Address, I’m talking about a single minute of appreciation. (This is usually one that gets some pauses because if one spouse is away from home for work there’s “no time”). My response to this is… We’re talking about 5 minutes. Be creative: text each other, leave a note, make a quick phone call – there are many options to make this work.
- Affection – 5 minutes x 7 days. In know, I know… Where are you going to find time for this. Maybe holding hands while watching a TV show or if you have kids, go ahead and have a five minute make out session…. A little embarrassment is good for them. Put your arm around each other while walking somewhere. I think sometimes these things seem hard because we over complicate them.
- A Weekly Date – 1 hour x 1 day. Yes, I know you’re already married but if you’ve not doing this, it’s time to start dating your spouse again. This doesn’t have to be expensive if you’re on a budget. You can have a date at home, at the park, or go out somewhere nice if you want. The point is, to get an hour a week that is just for the two of you.
- State of the Union Meeting – 2 hours x 1 day. Gulp… You want us to talk for two whole hours??? Yes, I do and you’ll actually find it does you some good. I fall short on this one in my marriage often. I usually can figure this out when my wife says, “haven’t told you this?”. This is a time to discuss decisions that need to be made, important things going on in the family, and if done well, sets you up to be a more loving partner for the week since you know what is going on in your partner’s life.
Well…. that’s it, six hours of your week devoted to having a better marriage. Personally, I think it’s worth it and really not much work at all. We are all creatures of habit and after practicing these routines for a little while they will become second nature and you’ll do most without any thought. Some, like the weekly date, should always involve some thought, if for no other reason than to keep things fun.
As always I’d love to hear your comments or thoughts and promise to respond.
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